The Third Way

The only time I’ve shared my son Dillon’s story is in my book, “Death from a Thousand Lies.”


I did so because Dillon had a huge impact on my recovery from my sexual brokenness. And… I did so with his permission after he reviewed the manuscript. He was gracious enough to allow me to talk about his own journey in figuring out his sexuality.


I’ve never publicly posted anything on social media about Dillon for a reason. 


It is his personal story to tell and not mine. 


Honestly, I’ve always been fearful of the ugly comments I would receive if I wrote about Dillon’s story on a social platform.  I could not stomach the thought of him reading the comments I anticipated coming from unthoughtful and demeaning “Christians.” I know the majority of my friends would be compassionate and respectful, but there is always the “let me set you straight” bunch, right? 


Dillon has experienced enough hurt and pain in the church world without having to endure more. And to be clear, I put myself at the top of the list of those who brought religious trauma into his life.


On a personal note, Dillon was a wonderful son growing up. He has always been caring and thoughtful and sincerely desired to please God. He was in youth group every Wednesday night. He went on mission trips. He attended our Christian school and was loved by teachers and friends. 


      

Here's why I am sharing this with you today.


For the first time, Dillon has told his story publicly on a podcastwith a friend of mine, Brian Kennedy.


Brian is also a gay man and one purpose of his podcast is to help bring reconciliation in the lives of gay children and their parents. I respect him and I appreciate the spirit he brings to the conversation. There are no “gotchas” or vindictiveness in his work. 


I would love for you to listen to Dillon’s experience growing up in our home with an open heart. 


In the Christian world today, it seems there are only two ways to address the gay issue. 


There is the evangelical ultra-conservative side that has been aggressively hostile to the LGBTQ community.  On the other end,  there is the ultra-progressive Christian community advocating for the LGBTQ  community and condemning anyone on the other side — as an intolerant bigot. 


The truth is, I have cherished friends and close family members who are on both sides of this divisive issue. I’m sure you do too. 


Years ago, God did some radical surgery on my heart. I came face to face with my own sinfulness. I felt the sting of rejection from parts of the church. For the first time, I was an outsider and not an insider.


Rather than allow my heart to be hardened, I begged God to change me. 


First, I wanted Jesus to help me to live a life congruent with my faith. No more masks or cover stories. I want to be a real human being, not a performer on a stage. 


Second, the closer I walked with Jesus, the more God broke my heart for those in the margins. You know, the ones who are not like us… or me. The scripture calls them aliens, strangers, foreigners, or outcasts. 


Over time, this profound work of Jesus took away my impulse to “hate-traffic” because someone believes (or acts) differently than I do. I stopped demonizing the “other side.”  Because I realized the “other side” were people who Jesus loved as much as He loved me. 


They are His image-bearers.
They carry the divine spark of God. 


And the more I listened to the honest questions and perplexities of “the other side,” the more I realized how complex and personal our sexuality actually is.  


I can almost feel the question you are asking right now. And it’s a fair question.


Which way do you go on this issue today, having raised a gay son? 


I call it "The Third Way.” 


Because I believe Jesus is a “Third Way” proponent. 


How many times did Jesus say something like this...  “You’ve heard it said, but I say unto you…” — and then introduce a radical new concept He calls love. 


“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies.” 


Jesus was always finding The Third Way. 


“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”


The Third Way is courageous and unoffendable. 


“If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” 


The Third Way is generous and magnanimous. 


“If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.”


The Third Way chooses a longer walk with those we disagree with.


Jesus did not spend a lot of time teaching theology. I spent most of his time exemplifying His theology through deeds and action.


Religious Crowd: “Jesus, let’s stone this woman!”
Jesus: “Let’s talk about your sins first.” 


Religious Crowd: “Jesus, you were alone with a serial divorcee Samaritan woman!"
Jesus: “Yes. Next question.” 


Religious Crowd: “Jesus, your disciple Matthew is a treasonous agent of Rome!"
Jesus: “Yes, and he’s having a party tonight if you want to come.” 


Here’s what I believe The Third Way looks like. 


We choose empathy, servanthood, sacrifice, and relationship overrigid borders and unscalable walls. 


This was always the way of Jesus. 


Relationship over rules.
Mercy triumphs over judgment.


“But Blaine, are you saying we should just allow anyone into the church?” 


Well, they let you in, right?
They don’t turn me away at the doors on Sunday. 


Can you imagine how empty our churches would be next Sunday if they just checked greed, idolatry, and lust at the door? 


Let me close with this, << Test First Name >>.


I have studied, researched, and critically examined the “gay” issue in scripture and culture — probably more than anyone reading this. Because is so personal to me.


I have sat with dozens of gay people, asking hundreds of questions in an attempt to learn more about their journey. 


Here’s something that may blow your mind. 


I could make a very convincing case for either side of this issue from scripture. I realize I just blew up someone's theological house just now.



             

So why don’t I make a case for my personal belief on this issue? 


I am.
Right now. 


I genuinely believe The Third Way is the most beautiful way to address the LGBTQ issue.


Because it’s not an “issue” to me. We are interacting with real human beings. These are our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, friends and family. 


I want to listen. I want to learn. I want to love them well. 


Hundreds of boys and girls have committed suicide as a result of the rejection they’ve felt from being ostracized by the crowd. This was never an “issue” to them.


It was life and death. 


Over the last decade, I’ve had the opportunity to assist so many parents through the process of discovering that their son or daughter was gay. One day, you may be one of those parents. And I will be here for you. 


Dillon was very kind to me in this interview. The truth is, I handled his “coming out” in 2008 awfully. In the most courageous moment of his life, telling his evangelical father he was gay — I returned a volley of anger and condemnation. 


I have repented and asked forgiveness from Dillon. He has graciously given me that gift. He and I have a beautiful relationship today.


I am not trying to convert or change him. I love him the way he is. I love his partner Tommy. If that bothers you, let it bother you into a deeper search for love and care for those in the margins. 


I want Dillon to know the church can be different from what he has experienced so far. I want him to know there are gracious Jesus followers who will walk with him in his journey, without slipping the roadmap we used in his back pocket. 


I choose “The Third Way.” 


And I choose that way with you, dear friend. 


You may position yourself on the far right or far left of this issue. That doesn’t make you better or worse. I can still break bread with you and respect your journey to find steady ground on this issue. 


But this is my steady ground. I hope you will respect it. 


The purpose of this communication is not to debate the LGBTQ issues. It is simply to share a father's honest struggle to unearth a better way to walk with his gay son -- while being faithful to Jesus... and being truly there for one the most beautiful human beings I know. 


          


I believe I have found that way.
But I remain humble.
I am ready to listen and learn more.


If you happen to read this, I love you, Dillon.